


May the Best Peen Win

by rebaba



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Gay, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, Pet Names, Weird, dick battle, garbage fic, it's also my first fic, penis comparison, showdown, this shit is the dumbest thing i've come up with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 20:20:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8174755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebaba/pseuds/rebaba
Summary: Sherlock is upset that John's is bigger. But bigger doesn't always mean better.





	

It was late morning. Sherlock woke with an uncomfortable pressure in his pants. Feeling down, he slipped one hand under the waistband and held his cock at the base. He was positively rock hard.

As he began stroking himself, there came a sharp knock at his door. Without waiting for a response, it was flung open and there in the doorway stood John motherfucking Watson. Sherlock hissed through his teeth and flushed with embarrassment as he scrambled into an upright position, failing miserably to appear as though he had not just been having a wank.

"Oh, fiddle my nipples with poison ivy," John uttered, an incredulous expression on his face. He was openly staring at the rather large tent of Sherlock's erection beneath the sheets.

Moving swiftly, John made his way across the room and stood in front of the bedpost. He placed his hands together and arced through the air with the grace of an Olympian diver, landing mostly on Sherlock in the process.

Rolling off, he leaned in to whisper, "Let me see, honeycakes."

The sheets were ripped away from Sherlock's grip, and his pole finally sprang free. John's eyes went wide as he gaped at Sherlock in pure wonder.

He blinked and whispered, "Holy shit. Didn't know you were this big, brev. Me likey,"

Sherlock sheepishly looked over at him. "Really? Thought it might frighten you. It's bigger than yours, after all."

John raised his eyebrows at Sherlock's arrogance. "Care to put it to the test, biyotch?"

"You're on."

John wasted no time in unbuttoning his trousers and whipping out his lengthy schlong. After a few short strokes it began to harden, and he grinned at Sherlock, who didn't seem too impressed by the display. 

"What's wrong, dear? Disappointed? You've seen it before, I know you have. Stealing looks at me through the bathroom door, you naughty thing. Surely you have't forgotten how big this demon is."

Sherlock only looked at his own cock, then glanced back at John's. His eyes flitted back and forth as he compared the two, brow furrowing in thought, Then suddenly, he had an idea.

"We should have a duel."

"A duel? The fuck you saying, mate?"

"You know, a battle. Obvs."

"But why, my tiny baby flower?"

"Size doesn't always mean better, J-man. This will be an accurate test to find out which of our, er, privates-"

"Cocks, laddy. Say cocks."

"Cocks?"

"That's a good fella. Yes, this is a splendid game. Whoever wins the duel will forever be the proud owner of the superior prick."

"May the best peen win."

The two discarded their clothing completely and walked to opposite sides of the room. John stood proudly, chin lifted and cock pointed to the ceiling while his hands rested on his hips. Sherlock looked quite nervous as he shifted his weight between his feet and focused his attention to the ground. 

"No need to be so nervous, Sherly. I can practically see your knees shaking."

Sherlock's approach to the situation changed completely after that little comment. He took on an air of defiance and spit on the ground, the saliva landing too far away to hit John's feet, but close enough to get the point across."

John chuckled. "Ooh, tough guy. C'mon and show me what you've got, then."

Sherlock stood his ground, feet shoulder width apart and hands at his sides, mimicking John's stance. He began swaying his hips left and right with great determination. The game was on.

There was only one way to describe what John was witnessing. It was truly magnificent. Sherlock's breathing became ragged as his dick bounced to the rhythm of his rapid movements. He alternated between short hip thrusts and swinging the lower half of his body from side to side, staying perfectly erect all the while. It was clear that he didn't plan on losing. John knew he meant business. A few moments later, Sherlock doubled over in exhaustion, and after catching his breath indicated with a gesture of his hands that it was John's turn.

John hesitated. He couldn't pull something like that off. There was no way. And while seeing that performance had sent a good bit of blood rushing south, he knew he wouldn't be staying hard for long if he had to exert himself in such a way. 

Bracing himself, he gave Sherlock a curt nod before he was off. 

He knew that his clumsy thrusts didn't compare to Sherlock's. They were not nearly as carefully aimed or precise. Instead, he tried to make the movements his own, making sure to punctuate each gyration with a signature flair of the hips. Too soon, however, exhaustion threatened to overcome him. In an effort to prolong the inevitable, John pressed his hands to the wall behind him for a bit of support. Even so, breathing became a struggle and he was forced to give up. Looking down, he was disappointed but not exactly surprised to see that he was no longer erect.

Sherlock snorted loudly at the flaccid penis, and John felt his face grow hot. He was proud of Sherlock, no doubt about that. But he had a reputation to maintain, and losing at a competition such as this one could seriously damage his public image. Sherlock would no doubt tell Lestrade and the others about their contest, and John couldn't stand the haughty smirk that Sally would wear when she found out. With that thought in mind, John proposed what he hoped Sherlock would agree to.

"Best two out of three?"

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Comments are much appreciated!


End file.
